What not to say - if you are law enforcement

Things you say early on during a disappearance could come back to bite you, bad. Make no mistake: some of the more callous things said by law enforcement, even when they weren’t intended to do harm, will be repeated for years to come as family members tell their stories.

Here are things you shouldn’t say to families of the missing. Most were said while an officer was taking the first report, or talking to the family in the early days of the disappearances. Some were said by officers later on.

ALL were actually said by law enforcement to family members whose loved ones are still missing to this day, years later. If you are going to be quoted for years to come, you may want to think about what that quote should look like.

Get Rid of any “Policies’ that Make People Have to Wait to File a Report

A number of states now have laws that guide LE to take missing adult or child reports right away so that precious early hours aren’t lost.

“We have a policy that you have to wait 24/48 hours to file a report” is considered old school these days. There is a reason that family member or friend or neighbor is there to file a report.

Go ahead and take the report, get the information in the system. Err on the side of caution rather than assume they’ll turn up; 105,000 of those cases have not turned up. Don’t let yours be one of those cases that goes cold just because you didn’t want to take the report right away.

The “What’s the Big Deal?” Category

Despite family and friends insisting that the person wouldn’t just up and leave, some officers don’t (or won’t) take the disappearance seriously, much to the distress of the family.

“He is probably in Mexico having margaritas with his friends.”

“She’ll be found when she wants to be found.”

“He’s an adult. It’s not a crime for him/he has a right to walk away from his life.”

“99 percent of them walk back in in a couple of days.”

When no body was found the comment “Oh, he just went off to start a new life.”

“When you find her she’s going to run away again.” (But there is no history of running away.)

There are no signs of foul play.” (This makes it sounds like an excuse to not investigate and it’s hurtful to families who are very fearful that something has happened because they know their loved one’s habits.)

“He couldn’t take the responsibility of his family, he needs a breather.”

Every Missing Person is Loved by Someone; Every Missing Person is Important

There’s almost no worse smack-down than implying their loved one is not important.

“So what, we have an average 4,000 missing per year in Los Angeles.”

“If your daughter is missing, it is not my fault, she had a choice.”

“We are not looking for your daughter/son/parent/sibling etc.”

“It’s not the crime of the century…why would we be looking for him?”

Help the Families With Guidance as to What They Can Do

They don’t need ridicule, they need help.

“It’s a waste of time putting up flyers.”

Be Considerate of the Family’s Feelings

“Be prepared that he went off to commit suicide.”

“We are not only investigating the abductor, we are investigating you as well.”

“Maybe he has a girlfriend he’s hiding out with” (said to his wife).

“Sometimes people on drugs jump off bridges” (said by a policeman to his wife while she stood holding her and her missing husband’s newborn baby).

Excuses, Excuses

More often than just the statements below indicate, officers sound downright lazy.

“If we get some free time we will send a K-9 unit out to look for him” like he meant nothing and was not a priority.

After all of his clothes but his pants were found it was “He probably had a few dollars in his pocket and walked across the border into (insert state or country here) .”

His pants were found the next day, LE said “He’s probably on a bender and will show up when he’s out of money.”

And the Winners Are…

“Maybe she just went somewhere and died.” Actual police statement to a mother with a missing daughter.

“Wow, this is just like on TV!” (Said by LE during an actual search.)

“You care about your son but no one else does.”

“She could have been abducted by aliens, I guess.”

“It is 5:00 and I don’t get paid after five.”

A Few More Tips

“Closure” is a word that jars most families of the missing. ”Resolution” is preferred.

If you are going to release a presumed deceased statement to the media, tell the family FIRST!

Copyright Denise Harrison 2010
All Rights Reserved.