What not to say - if you are family or friends

When someone disappears, those close to the family often don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. Some people say the wrong thing altogether. Here we will compile a list of things not to say, to help you not “step in it,” and help the family members avoid additional pain, unintended or not.

The “Get Over it” Bunch

“How long are you going to keep looking?” (Don’t ask this. Always let family members keep their hope. Most are not going to stop looking, so asking this question will make it clear that you don’t understand what they are going through.)

“It’s time to get on with your life.” (That and “Get over it” to me, reflect the speaker’s discomfort with the situation and not a real desire to help.)

“I hope you have a closure.” It’s a little-understood fact that the word “closure” shouldn’t be used. There really is no closure: often one answer leads to more questions; the pain is never going to go away, no matter, what; and life will never return to what it was. Some suggest “resolution” as a better term.

At Least…

At least you have other kids.”

“You have other children to take care of.”

“Well, At least the kids are with their mother/father.” (There is tremendous harm done to children in non-custodial parental abductions. To learn more, go to Take Root.

Don’t Chalk it up to Fate

“Everything happens for a reason.”

From a mom of a missing young lady: “The most hurtful came from a ‘friend’ who said explicitly that perhaps it was ‘karma’ - there was something I’d done to earn this hurt and only discovering it and making amends would bring her back! Like we don’t beat ourselves up enough!”

“She is in a better place.”

“We all have to go some day.”

Let’s Not Dictate What Another Person Should or Shouldn’t Think/Feel/Do

“You have to forgive him/her” (The perpetrator). This is quite hurtful. Best to let the person determine their own process in their own time and to their own individual outcome - forgiveness or not.

Don’t Blame the Victim

Just because someone lived a lifestyle that was out of the norm doesn’t mean they are any less loved, nor any more deserving of having gone missing. Perhaps it’s easier and less scary to think there is a reason someone disappeared or came to harm, but you have to remember: no one is immune, even you.

“As far as God striking people down for being nasty, then that probably is what happened to him/her.”

Watch What You Post Online

Please be mindful of what you post on message boards. Family members often read them in hopes of gaining leads:

“I heard from a reliable source that her daughter and daughter’s boyfriend were involved and that her body was found and she was pronounced dead. Can anyone prove any truth to this?”

“She should have stayed at home with the family that loves her so much and not been whoring around.”

“Maybe she just had to get away. Crackheads do that sometimes.”

“I just heard a rumor that the family is hiding her from the drug dealers and that they are trying to frame an innocent man for her disappearance. ”

“[Last names] are like the middle east. There are just some things the world would be much better off without. ”

Be careful about speculating out loud (verbally or online) any upsetting scenarios.

Psychics

If you are a psychic don’t contact the family. Contact the police.

You may think you are doing the kindest thing, but again, you should take these sorts of things to the police, not the families of the missing. Don’t drag them into what you perceive to be real visions. Some mentally cannot handle it. Psychics contacting the family are considered by many family members to be re-victimizing those living with this loss.

Copyright Denise Harrison 2010
All Rights Reserved.